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  • Paul Mckenzie

The personality of a groomer


For the purpose of giving this specific behaviour a name, I have used the term deceptive manipulator.

A deceptive manipulator can come in many different forms. We sometimes identify this behaviour in adult relationships which can include family, partners and friendships. Many adults enter into relationships that feel one sided and manipulative, yet they are not quite sure of how they ended up there. Many of these relationships result in violence and abuse. We focus this writing on children seeking relationships. Relationships that create the foundation of what we now call Gang Culture. Sometimes when we use the term, we forget that gangs are often a complex structure which include children that are in fear of leaving the gang or association.

Deceptive manipulators tend to form relationships with individuals that have low self esteem, these are easily influenced by the lure of becoming popular or powerful among their peers.

They appear to be forceful and strong by nature. They are usually feared by other children. They will befriend children that are vulnerable and emotionally damaged. They will offer them friendship and support when others ignore them or bully them. They are adept at making the individual feel as if they have been selected or chosen above others. When this is the case, the chosen one feels overwhelmed to be noticed in such high regards.

They usually start manipulating at an early age once they start to understand how manipulation works and just how easily people are susceptible to manipulation.

Deceptive manipulator will use emotions to control other individuals and have no other goal than to get a desired outcome that benefits themselves and nobody else.

You can spot a deceptive manipulator early on in life. A DM will demand something and will not stop until they get it. This often involves hurting or abusing others that stand in their way. Deceptive Manipulators tend to have a natural ability to negotiate, and will not stop until there is a reasonable outcome that benefits them. They will pay little attention to the needs of others.

They can be charming and are able to use language that will move you emotionally and leave you feeling guilty for hurting them. Parents can sometimes identify this behaviour from an early age, but overlook it for forcefulness or being spoilt.

They are extremely confident and have very little regards for anything other than self. They are often popular and can be very selective in making and keeping associates & friends.

The manipulator is focused on producing the results that make the world a better place for them. Their model of the world does not include a compassionate outcome for others. They will often fall out of relationships once challenged about loyalty.

Deceptive manipulators are highly sensitive and trained individuals that can control the emotions of another simply by offering them the stimuli that they are not receiving at present. They are good at highlighting issues that involve the individual and can often offer favourable solutions to those issues with no apparent agenda or gain. These manipulators will help you to feel better about yourself and at the same time show you the need for them to be firmly rooted in your life.

They are confident that your child will pursue a friendship with them and so, make it extremely difficult for the initial relationship to take place. For example, they will provide your child with a variety of initiations that seem impossible to overcome, in affect playing hard to get.

This makes your child more anxious to form that relationship as they will want to prove they are a good friend. Once the manipulator is satisfied that your child is willing to prove their worth as a true friend, the manipulator will become best friends with your child.

Deceptive manipulators are also experienced in initiating conflict, an example of this would be “how is it my child is disrespecting me every time I tell him so and so is a bad friend?’ or “every time I say he can’t play with that child, he kicks off’.

Deceptive manipulators can only operate when there is an emotion they can manipulate to their own advantage. This is why we as parents must seek to address our child’s emotional state and create an environment that supports their needs and not the needs of others.

Paul Mckenzie


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